Mariana, December In Berlin
It’s been a while since I’ve been back to Berlin.
Three years.
Mariana wearing Gucci
I was scared to return home after being abroad for that long.
I turned my back on Berlin.
I was there for over 20 years, spent my childhood there and my teenage years.
Why would I leave?
Mariana wearing Versace
I was hurt so i wanted to leave.
I felt like I was always the same person in Berlin.
As a teenager I got kicked out of every school. 7 schools if we’re being honest.
I got into a lot of trouble growing up and I felt like I couldn’t break free from it.
My teachers gave me that feeling and at some point I believed it myself.
It felt like it was hard to turn my back on that person.
I couldn’t stay in Berlin.
Mariana wearing Versace
Mariana wearing Bottega Veneta
Three years in LA but I’m back home for a bit.
I missed Berlin.
I hated the weather. The rain. The cold. The dirt. I’ve always hated it.
But I missed the people. My family. My friends. The honesty of it.
It’s where I grew up and what I’ve known best.
I always complain about LA being fake so I appreciated having someone bump into me and telling me to watch my step.
Mariana wearing Bottega Veneta
When I first came to LA I felt different. It was a fresh start. A promised future.
The future I felt like I couldn’t have in Berlin.
But what future? And why was I so obsessed with the future?
Mariana wearing Miu Miu
Better Jobs and more Money. I never had much money so that sounded good to me.
I never cared about people knowing me. The fame didn’t interest me and I didn’t really want people knowing me.
I just wanted to feel secure so I had to put myself out there. I think if money wasn’t a factor I’d be sitting in a cabin in the woods.
I always felt as if people wouldn’t understand or accept me. I didn’t really care. That’s what I’ve always told myself.
I’m not always so sure if it’s true.
I think I actually wanted people to see who I really was and look past that first impression they had of me.
Mariana wearing Celine
I did want to be seen.
Just not for the trouble I was getting into.
I’ve always wanted to be taken serious.
Heard. Understood. Seen for the pain I went trough at home.
I wanted to break away from the character I was in school.
The character I couldn’t seem to shake off.
Mariana wearing Courrèges
I’m not the same person I was as a child. I’m not the same person I was in school.
I’m not the same person I was in Berlin. I’m not the same person I was yesterday.
But what I went through in Berlin is what shaped me.
The betrayal I felt as a kid from the fear I faced at home is what’s always pushed me to slam through anything that’s ever stood in my way.
Mariana wearing Schiaparelli
I’m just not sure that I can fully turn my back on my past anymore.
I definitely don’t want to turn my back on Berlin anymore.
The place that shaped me. The people I grew up with.
I’m working on a future that still involves myself, my hometown and the person I’ve always been.
Mariana wearing Gucci
Photography and text: Tim Grupp
Styling: Julia Quante
Model: Mariana Musante at Mirrrs Models
